it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Randomize
