from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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