The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
