i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize