I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
