Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
