Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
