I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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