You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
