when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
