Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
