Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
