All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
