i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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