My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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