believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
