I accidentally burped into my bong.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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