Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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