I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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