Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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