I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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