I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
