if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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