I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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