I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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