my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
