I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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