Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
