u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
