I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
