We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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