yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
