She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So vagazzling was a success
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
