He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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