we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
