i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
