Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
