You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
