Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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