they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
