There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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