My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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