we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
