pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
