we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
