theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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