his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
