Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Who wears a wallet chain?!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So many bounce houses so little time
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
