I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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