When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
