i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
