he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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