Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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