Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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