I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
