That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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