I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
