my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
