I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
handjob tips. give me some.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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