Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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